Viral TikTok Dating Fail: A Dating Coach Analyzes What Went Wrong

The Incident: What Actually Happened

TikTok creator Alexa Abney matched with Cole O'Brien on a dating app and went on what appeared to be a successful first date. According to her account, the date had good conversation and chemistry — no obvious red flags during the in-person interaction.

The critical failure occurred in post-date communication. O'Brien sent Abney a TikTok video featuring a man delivering what viewers widely described as a misogynistic rant, claiming "all women are crazy, act through emotions, and cannot think logically."

Abney documented the experience on TikTok, and her video accumulated 4.8 million views. O'Brien responded with a video claiming he "falls asleep watching TikToks" and sends videos while sleeping, attempting to explain away the incident without taking responsibility.

The Psychology Behind Post-Date Communication Failures

As a dating coach, I see a consistent pattern: Many people can perform well during structured first dates but reveal problematic behaviors in the unstructured follow-up. This case illustrates several psychological dynamics at play.

The authenticity paradox

First dates involve impression management — both parties present curated versions of themselves. Post-date communication removes that structure. People relax, drop their guard, and reveal authentic values, humor, and judgment.

In this case, O'Brien's post-date content revealed either poor judgment about appropriate communication or genuine beliefs that align with the video's message. Both interpretations are concerning from a relationship compatibility perspective.

Digital content as values signaling

The content we consume and share functions as social signaling — it communicates our values, interests, and worldview. When O'Brien shared that particular video, intentionally or not, he signaled alignment with its message.

His defense about algorithmic content delivery actually strengthens this interpretation: Social media algorithms reflect our engagement patterns. If misogynistic content appears in someone's feed frequently enough to be accidentally shared, that indicates consistent engagement with similar content.

Master post-date communication

Eden AI provides personalized coaching for every stage of dating — from first messages to post-date follow-up. Learn to communicate with confidence and authenticity.

Red Flags in Post-Date Communication

This viral incident provides a clear example of several red flags that appear in post-date communication. Understanding these patterns helps identify incompatibility or problematic behavior early.

1. Boundary testing through controversial content

Some people intentionally send controversial or offensive content as a test — to gauge how much boundary-crossing behavior someone will tolerate. This establishes a dynamic where one person normalizes increasingly inappropriate behavior.

From a psychological standpoint, this is a form of grooming — gradually testing and expanding boundaries to see what someone will accept. Healthy relationships do not begin with boundary testing.

2. Lack of accountability

O'Brien's response — claiming he was asleep — exemplifies defensive communication rather than accountability. Rather than acknowledging the impact of his message and apologizing, he deflected responsibility.

This pattern is significant: How someone responds when their behavior causes harm is more revealing than the initial mistake. Defensiveness and excuse-making in early dating interactions predict similar patterns in conflict resolution within relationships.

3. Misalignment between stated values and revealed values

If someone presents themselves as respectful and progressive during a date, then shares content that contradicts those values, that dissonance is information. Either their self-presentation was performative, or their actual values differ from what they claim.

The Critical Post-Date Window: Why It Matters So Much

From a dating psychology perspective, the 24-72 hours following a first date constitute a critical assessment period. Both people evaluate compatibility, interest level, and whether to invest further.

What post-date communication reveals:

• Interest level: Timely, engaged follow-up indicates genuine interest and respect
• Communication style: How someone texts reveals their communication preferences and skills
• Emotional intelligence: The ability to read context and communicate appropriately
• Values alignment: Content shared and topics discussed indicate core values
• Consistency: Whether the person matches how they presented themselves in person

The Viral Accountability Factor in Modern Dating

This incident reflects a significant shift in dating culture: increased accountability through social media documentation. Dating behavior that previously occurred in private can now become public, subject to collective judgment.

From a behavioral psychology perspective, public accountability can function as a deterrent for problematic behavior — but only for those who care about social consequences. People with low empathy or high narcissism may not be deterred even by viral exposure.

What the accountability era means for daters:

• Increased transparency: Bad behavior has potential consequences beyond the immediate relationship
• Community validation: When someone treats you poorly, collective feedback can validate your experience
• Pattern identification: Public sharing helps identify individuals with consistent problematic behavior
• Cultural standards: Viral incidents shape collective understanding of acceptable dating behavior

Master post-date communication

Eden AI provides personalized coaching for every stage of dating — from first messages to post-date follow-up. Learn to communicate with confidence and authenticity.

Strategic Framework for Post-Date Communication

As a dating coach, I provide clients with a structured approach to post-date communication that builds connection while allowing both parties to assess compatibility. Here's the framework that works consistently:

1. Timeline: The 12-24 hour window

Send a follow-up message within 12-24 hours of the date ending. This timeframe demonstrates interest without appearing overeager or disinterested. Earlier than 12 hours can feel intense; later than 24 hours signals lower priority.

2. Content: Reference and build

Reference something specific from your conversation to demonstrate engagement and create continuity. Then either suggest a second date or continue building rapport, depending on the connection level established during the date.

3. Tone: Match and slightly escalate

Mirror the communication energy established during the date while slightly increasing engagement. If conversation was light and playful, maintain that tone. If it was more serious and meaningful, honor that depth.

4. Content sharing: Wait for context

Avoid sending memes, videos, or other content until you've established shared humor and boundaries. What you find funny might not align with their sense of humor — and misalignment early can end promising connections.

5. Progression: Move toward plans

Post-date communication should progress toward concrete plans for a second date within 3-7 days of the first date. Extended texting without progression often leads to connection fading or one party losing interest.

Understanding Emotional Intelligence in Dating Communication

The core issue in this viral incident is a fundamental lack of emotional intelligence — the ability to understand, manage, and appropriately express emotions in social contexts.

Emotionally intelligent post-date communication requires several capabilities: reading social context, understanding appropriate boundaries, recognizing how content will be received, and adjusting behavior based on relationship stage.

Developing emotional intelligence in dating:

• Context awareness: Understanding what's appropriate at different relationship stages
• Perspective-taking: Considering how your communication will be received
• Self-regulation: Managing impulses to share content without consideration
• Empathy: Recognizing and respecting the other person's boundaries and values

What Women Actually Want in Post-Date Communication

Based on extensive work with clients and relationship research, women consistently express similar desires for post-date communication. Understanding these preferences improves dating outcomes significantly.

Core preferences:

• Clear interest signals: Straightforward communication about wanting to see them again
• Consistency with in-person presentation: Matching the personality and values shown during the date
• Respect and appropriate boundaries: Not pushing physical or emotional boundaries too quickly
• Genuine engagement: Thoughtful responses that show attention to previous conversations
• Initiative and planning: Taking responsibility for suggesting concrete plans rather than vague "we should hang out sometime"

Master post-date communication

Eden AI provides personalized coaching for every stage of dating — from first messages to post-date follow-up. Learn to communicate with confidence and authenticity.

Building Authentic Connection Through Strategic Communication

The goal of post-date communication is not manipulation or playing games — it's creating space for authentic connection to develop while respecting boundaries and demonstrating emotional intelligence.

Strategic authenticity means:

• Being genuine: Communicating your authentic interest and personality
• Being strategic: Understanding how to communicate effectively at each dating stage
• Being respectful: Honoring boundaries and values even when they differ from yours
• Being consistent: Aligning your communication with your stated intentions

The Bigger Lesson: Self-Awareness in Modern Dating

This viral incident ultimately teaches a lesson about self-awareness: Understanding what your behavior, content consumption, and communication reveal about who you are and what you value.

Every message you send, every video you share, every joke you make — these are data points that someone is using to assess compatibility. If you're not intentional about what you're revealing, you may be communicating things about yourself that undermine your dating goals.

Developing Dating Communication Skills

The good news: Dating communication is a learnable skill. Emotional intelligence, strategic messaging, and authentic connection-building can all be developed through awareness, feedback, and practice.

• Seek feedback: Ask trusted friends how your communication comes across
• Study successful patterns: Notice what works in your own and others' experiences
• Use professional tools: Eden AI provides personalized coaching for all dating stages
• Practice self-reflection: After dates, consider what worked and what could improve
• Develop emotional intelligence: Work on understanding and managing emotions in social contexts

The difference between becoming a viral cautionary tale and building genuine connection often comes down to emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and strategic communication. These are skills you can develop — and they'll transform not just your dating life, but all your relationships.

Master post-date communication

Eden AI provides personalized coaching for every stage of dating — from first messages to post-date follow-up. Learn to communicate with confidence and authenticity.